Tuesday, July 31, 2007
8:14 PM
WARNING: THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG POST! WITH LOTSA PICS! :)
Ever feel like you're being sucked down a whirling pool of water, and you keep struggling again the magnanimous currents, fighting back as hard as you can, but its not making much of a difference. Like quicksand....the harder you fight and struggle, the deeper you go. Till nothing or no one can penetrate thee cocoon anymore. I kinda feel like that sometimes. Like i'm gasping for breath, breathing in so deep but comin up with nothing. Doesn't help that i'm claustrophobic either. lol!
My family and friends have been the wpitome of supportive...forcing me to think about other things, taking me out to help me forget, just for awhile all the things which seem to be going wrong. Anyways, rachels party. YAY!! she's finally legal! woo hoo! wrote her a wacky card with banana's & PJs in the front....lol! she really cracked it up! then she got to the end and almost started crying...haha! i love you rach! HERE ARE THE PICS!!
Me, helen and my Bro (i have no idea wat he's doing!)
The fire outside! it was SSOOO COLD!!
KELLY and LILI!! hahah!! omg! she was pissed!!
My 2 darlings! Rachel & helen! oo! wats going on here?
Jase & Matt
Matt & Bella! She named her piercings after me! haha! YAY!
Mark,Dicko,Kimmy,Del and i have NO idea! haha!!!
Yea, so that was Rachs'party. Then there was the Year 12 re affirmation dinner, the night i sang in sch for the first time! i was SO NERVOUS! i thought i was gonna puke! BUT it turned out awesome! Everyone loved, as in abs LOVED it! YAY!! haha! and then the teachers asked me to sing for the entire sch the next day. Needless to say i nearly fainted from all the hyperventilating i was doing, but i manage to get through it, and it was even better than the 1st time! woo hoo!!so yea...it was AWESOME! haha! here are pics from the whole day. long, tiring but worth it at the end of the day...
I have NO idea what Dan is staring at! haha!
Ghetti! aka Marianna! i love you!!
Lloydy! Caught in the act! haha!! i know i know! it really was BORING!
Alright guys, i'm out! Ciao!
Monday, July 23, 2007
8:42 PM
There he lies, thousands of miles away...all alone with his thoughts, barely able to talk. I'll never forget his voice over the phone. I called him, expecting to hear the voice i always do, the voice of an upbeat, optimistic boy who was in love with life, and instead, i found myself hearing the voice of someone i didnt recognise. The voice of a person far beyond his 17 years. It resembled an old person, one abt to totally lose command of their vocal chords. Stretched, thin, cracked.
Like a former memory, a hollowed out vision of his former self. slowly deteriorating into nothingness.
That was enough to spark me off on a new round of tears. for a person who hardly ever cries, i've sure been doing a helluava lot of it. I've been bawling like a baby. and my head hurts so bad from it. i wanna stop crying, i really do, but i cant seem to stop. the tears just keep coming. never ceasing. i cant seem to concentrate on anything. least of all school. and it doesnt help that i've got insomnia and i havent slept in days. man! i'm in dire need of sleep! *SOB*
(Btw, thanks to Joel and Rajiv who managed to both be "ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT" and come up with the idea of knocking back a couple of drinks, which would ensure that i'd sleep like a baby. which was a splendid solution, with just one tiny hitch. I DONT BLOODY DRINK!! and drinking myself into a stupour isnt exactly what i wanna do. EVER)
God, please save him. We still have so much to do together. he has so much to live for, so many people love him. Please, dont take him away from us. Give us a miracle Lord. Please! i'm begging, on my knees, and begging!
Friday, July 20, 2007
8:45 PM
When all is well, beware....
Life seemed to be going pretty well for awhile. I was actualy happy, contented. I knew it seemed too good to be true, but i thought to myself, "oh well, might as well savour it while it lasts." Little did i know that things were about to take a 180* turn. For the worse. I still dont quite know how to say this, i dont even know what i wanna write, because right now, it all seems so surreal to me. Like this nightmare is just that. A nightmare, a mere dream that i can simply wake up from with everything going back to normal. When i can pacify my racing heart by saying, "it was just a dream, it's not real". How i wish i could. I haven't even fully absorbed it yet, maybe i never will, but here goes. Try to make sense of it for me.
My cousin from Malaysia, this wonderful 17 year old boy, who's always so full of life, with so much love to give, who has the sweetest disposition, temperament that you would never beleiev one so young could posses, a never ending flow of lameness and a mile that never fades.Kenneth. He's got cancer. AGAIN. After we'd all thought that it was finall behind him. From one tumour in his leg, its spread to numerous other parts of his body. His mone marrow, lungs..you name it. his kidneys have failed,, he;s got a tube running down his nose into his stomach and the doctors say he's got a mere 3 weeks to live. A boy, who had his whole life ahed of him, who wanted to become a doctor so he could save others from their demise. This boy's got 3 weeks to live.
and i just dont know what to make of that. really. how is that in any way fair? ridiculous. thats what it is. and the worst part about it is that i'm here, so damn far away. and i cant do anything! i cant even talk to him now, cuz of the tube down his throat. so for now, all we can do is wait. Pray, hope for the best, and wait. But hope is a nasty thing though. It gives you the courage to beleive that a miracle can take place, but what happens when it all comes crashing down? what then?
the answer? i have no idea. i wish i did, but i dont. so for now, everyone, just keep praying, and we'll leave it in the hands of the Lord, cuz theres nothing more we can do.
"The anticipation of the bang is worse than the bang itself"
Friday, July 13, 2007
12:07 PM
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference"
I attended this "Dare Girl" christian conference with Joelle yesterday, at her church, and upon arrival at her house, WAY too early in the morning for my brain to do anything resembling productive thinking, she tells me that the thing is from 10am-10pm. Needless to say i nearly fainted, partially cuz i was still 1/2 asleep and desperately need a dose of caffeine to wake me up, and partially cuz i'm me, and SO not a morning person, but oh well...i managed to survive somehow.
It was pretty fun for the most part of the day. It didn't really feel like eons had passed and we were still stuck there, so that was a plus point. The speakers were good, I mean, I didn’t concur with everything they said, but I guess everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. I particularly liked the first speaker, not only because it directly addressed the real and omnipresent issues that girls face today, but also cuz it wasn’t just about the things on the surface, but about the things beneath the surface, the issues that everyone is hesitant and reluctant to talk about.
It really is true, come to think about it. Things like popularity and all the other materialistic things which are so dearly treasured and sought after in this world, they’re all fleeting. There one day and gone the next. That’s why it’s so important to always be your own person, never just follow the crowd, dare to be different, and stand up for the things you believe in. At the end of the day, it saves you from merely being just another face in the crowd. Hence, the poem, “The road not taken” comes into play. Choose your own path, and don’t let the actions of others influence the person you are; because, honestly, at the end of the day, it’s YOU who has to live with yourself, and what you’ve done. Not anyone else.
Ok, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, going on and on, I’ll stop here. Met some cool new people, and a fellow Singaporean, Gillian. She was really nice, and for a little while, I felt closer to home. I actually managed to use singlish without sounding like a whack-job and getting the weird quizzical looks I used to get before I realized that I had to diminish my use of singlish! Haha! So that was good. Alrighty, I’m out!
Ps…cant wait to watch Harry Potter and Joel Asogan, Ron Weasley did NOT die! Useless guy…
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
8:28 PM
After approximately 1.5 years in Australia, the brown cardboard boxes have yet again re-emerged. What "joy". As if we haven't done enough packing to last us a lifetime...but apprently not. So its that time where the boxes have to be assembled, all our itty-bitty things have to be wrapped up in newspapers and safely tucked away, we'll probably catch colds from all the dust which has collected over the past year. God knows how many "hidden treasures" i'm gonna find buried under all my stuff, and i'm not particularly sure that i WANT to find out, but oh well...it's inevitable i guess.
Just as they always say, " Failure is a stepping stone to success", i am determined to see this as a step to something better. Goodbye to the cramped living conditions, the multitude of noise, the thin walls which really do have ears, since you can hear EVERYTHING from the next room, or even the room all the way at the other end of the house. Granted it's not that big, but hey, it's just a rented house...so i'll survive for the next 1.5 months till we move into our new house...can't wait!
Those of you who have been periodically talking to me, would have heard ALL about my new house...seeing that i cant stop talkin about it, partially because I NEED my own room again, and partially because it's gonna be so DAMN BEAUTIFUL! I mean, come on, a view of the gorgeous mountains from your bedroom window, a gazebo in your backyard, 20 rooms, 10 bathrooms...annd as an added bonus, you even get to see some cows on and off. [Not that thats very much of a draw. I dont even know why i meantioned it....i'm weird, watever.]
So, 2 months and counting....time seems endless now, but it had to get there eventually. right?
Friday, July 6, 2007
10:07 PM
A Swirl of Thoughts
I sit on the fence
Gazing at the cloudless sky
No care, no sense
Just the question, why
No answers come to me
Save a myriad of patterns and shapes
My heart cries out with a plea
But my mind hangs as heavy as old drapes
I needed you, I cried
Where were you?
My tears are far from dried
And I wonder if you miss me too
Maybe I should just let go
Make it a clean sweep
But my bravado is simply for show
Beneath it, I quiver in my sleep
I know not what to do
Explanations have ceased to work
What remain are the bittersweet memories
And a minute hope that lurks
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
8:27 PM
Cracks that let the winter air seep in, and pipes which are so creaky that they play the theme from the twilight zone without fail each night. as if on repeat.
When the time comes to move on, you've got to clear away the old stuff, sweep away all the cobwebs which serve as a reminder of the past. Of a life you once had. but when you check under the bed, you find things you'd forgotton were even there....
Things which always come back to haunt you. be it in the form of material things, or mere memories. they're always there. Looming within the shadows, in the darkness, waiting to pounce on you.
Why is there always a need to solve life's mysteries, when we should just accept that somethings have no answers. Maybe we'd be better off not knowing at all. not delving, not knowing. But thats not human nature. we always need a reason to hope, a reason to look into the future and see the possibilty of something greater than the life we know, than the life we lead. The need to simply never cease looking for something, anything thats better.
but whats wrong with that?
whats wrong in wanting something better? in wanting to forget the past. in wanting to move on? I say there's nothing wrong. that there's no shame or blame in that. but no matter how far or hard you try to run, it's always there. waiting. never leaving you alone.
know what it's called? your conscience. as simple as that.
jOANNA
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
9:20 PM
Went to watch Fantastic 4 tonight @ The Village, City Century Walk...and it wasn't a phenomenon or anything, but it definately exceeded the average mark. Getting to see "The Human Torch" and his HOT body didn't hurt alot either. =)
On the way back home, I looked up at the charcoal sky, and there is was, just floating so effortlessly. The Moon. It looked so pure and simple, exuding so much beauty and radience in such a subtle way. and it hit me, just how magnanimous this world that God created is. That something which look so easy and uncomplicated could hold so much behind it. All the intricacy and complexities of the world couldn't even begin to explain it.
If i had to choose between the SUN or the MOON, i think from the above paragraph you can pretty much figure out my answer. I'm all but in love with the moon. and how could i not be? it's just beautiful. plain and simple.
jOANNA
Labels: Fantastic 4 and The Moon
